The Dark Days

So, this post is not one of my usual sunshine and rainbows posts – because lately, sunshine and rainbow days have been few and far between.

Times have been tough, and days have been dark.

The real reason for my absence is that I have been avoiding writing because in all honesty, I didn’t have anything to write about.

My mind had turned into a dark and twisty place filled only with thoughts of deadlines, financial strains and worrying about my daughter picking up on all this – coupled with a nauseating amount of pressure and horribleness from work, I’m sure you can imagine Tashland was not on anyone’s ‘Top 10 destinations to visit’ list.

There have been days where I didn’t even want to get out of bed, never mind put in a full day’s work – immediately followed by a full night’s momming.

Showers and smiles became a thing of the past.

And I watched my daughter, like the sponge she is, absorb all of this stress and horrible energy. I watched my now husband take on my responsibilities and put mega strain on our relationship. And I had nobody to blame but myself, which is always a tough pill to swallow.

When you are a mother, you don’t get to be selfish and wallow in a (much needed) pity party.

So, I had no choice but to pull my shit together – if not for my sake, for the sake of my precious child.

I have compiled a list of all the things that helped me get out of this rubbish place, and I will turn back to this list should I ever find myself there again.

1. I gave myself a designated ‘cry time’ per day which took place, of course, in the shower where most moms have their breakdowns! Anything icky that happened throughout the course of the day or night, I bottled up and let it all fizz over in my ‘cry time’ and that was that.

2. I assigned a ‘bitcher’ who was the person I unloaded all my stress, complaints and worries onto (Sorry Daddydaims!) and bar him, I didn’t trouble anyone with the things that made me sad.

3. I engrossed myself in my personal journal and tried to transfer all the toxic thoughts out of my brain and onto some paper, which worked really well. I now make time every day to write in this new little friend of mine, even if it’s just to say ‘Today was a good day’ and I hope to continue this newly formed habit so that I don’t end up back in the mindset I felt trapped in.

4. At some point, I looked in the mirror. I saw myself wearing clothes from two days ago, my hair was a greasy knotted mess and my skin had clearly found a way to get all the stress out – through my face! I took more care of myself in these past few weeks than I have in a long time (too long to admit) and I brushed my hair! I spoiled myself with face masks, hair treatments, nail painting and even a mini trip to the salon.

5. I spent time with my daughter because I had been so caught up in my own crap, and even though all my motherly duties were fulfilled, I was missing my kid. And she was missing me more. I switched my phone off (boy did I pay for that later!) and we simply played. We watched the birds in the tree at the bottom of the garden, go about their birdly business. We sat and babbled (yes, actually spoke baby-language) for ages. We snuggled, we ran around, we danced. My soul wasn’t hungry anymore.

6. I got married. This is an unexpected place to make this announcement I will admit, but it wasn’t so much the (wonderful) wedding itself, it’s the fact that it was something we had just not gotten round to actually doing. Sure, we talked about it for like a year, but as is always the case, we were ‘waiting for the right time’ to do it. We decided that there was never going to be a right time, so we decided to do it and so we did it. Simple pimple.

7. I indulged myself in the things I love. I ate far too many chocolates, took bubble baths that lasted way too long, binge watched shows that make my heart smile and I had long chats with my best friend who lives in the back-arse of nowhere.

8. And probably the most important thing I did, was figure out where this all came from and sure as shit, I fixed it. In this case, it was my job, my boss, my company, my very industry.  I set myself the task of weighing up the pros and cons of my situation, and it was extremely obvious what needed to be done.

I’m pleased to announce, I will be starting a new job (and be taking much better care of my mental health)

This time has been a truly horrid one and I don’t wish it on anyone (not even my primary school nemesis) and I would love to have even more handy tools and tips in my arsenal, so let me know how you cope with the bad times.

If anyone is feeling like they are in this icky place, pop me a message and I will do whatever I can to help you get out of this, even if it’s just listening.


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